"What kind of software is that?" the friend asked. "It's sass-based," I replied. ... This last week was the opportunity to get poked and prodded, alias an annual physical. When the lab tech was drawing blood, I looked down at the blood going into the tube and then up at her and said, "Well, the good news is I still have blood. But why is the vial filling so slowly?" "Tired blood," she said dryly. ... Like everyone else, Sauron, the leader of the forces of evil in the "Lord of the Ring" suffered his share of physical ailments. After all, you've got that unsleeping eye and all that smoke billowing out of Mount Doom, orcs passing gas and the forges of Mordor and  even the Lord of the Nazgul has to make an occasional visit to the optometrist. So Sauron, goes in for an eye exam and the doctor says, "OK cover your eye, what do you see? Oh, I'm sorry you only have one eye. You can't see anything." "Not a problem," Sauron replied. "It says, 'One ring to rule them all. ... But Sauron did have his software side, like his youth program, Orc Scouts of Mordor. One of the typical campout tasks is to start a fire by rubbing two hobbits together. ... In the next episode of the movie version of Tolkin's trilogoy, Liv Tyler, who played Elf maiden Arwen Undómiel, is joined by her father, Aerosmith lead singer, Steven Tyler. At one dramatic point, the wizard Gandalf waves his wand at Tyler at intones, "Relieve this poor afflicted soul from this hideous deformity." But he is stopped when Liv points out those are simply her father's natural lips. ... It isn't widely known but Sauron had many devoted followers in Texas. The Lone Star contingent would always be heard leading rallies for the Evil Lord loudly voicing their hallmark song: "The Eye of Sauron Is Upon You." ... A news report from the United Kingdom says about $1.7 million was spent to train drug sniffing dogs at the Manchester Airport. They proved adept at discovering small amounts of cheese and sausages but have not found any drugs. I believe we should immediately import some into the United States to counter that national scourge of cheese and sausages.