Estimated reading time: 1 minute, 22 seconds


Conrad HiltonDo you know what to call a very amorous person suffering from a disease caused by antibiotic-resistant germs? An incurable romantic. ... There is a new gang terrorizing the country whose members operate in complete silence and worship Marcel Marceau. They are, of course, the Criminal Mimes. ... It is now illegal in Las Vegas for any casino not to have a Cirque de Soleil show. ... ... Actor Harrison Ford's emergency landing in his airplane drew praise for his skill as a pilot.

In later news, authorities say an aging and arthritic Chewbacca was in intensive care after receiving life-threatening injuries. Some confused bar patrons thought the news said former Toronto mayor Rob Ford had crash landed and they were wondering how the plane was able to get off the ground in the first place. ... Paris Hilton's brother, Conrad, just pleaded guilty to assaulting flight attendants. Let's at least, hope he doesn't crawl out of a limo wearing a kilt and no underwear. After smoking pot in the plane's toilet, Conrad called passengers "Peasants." The airlines liked the idea so much the term will no replace "coach." Conrad's behavior has him as the odd-son favorite for this year's "Rich Brat of the Year" award. ... No one really wants to know what Hilary Clinton said in her private email about Benghazi. They want to know what she said about Bill.  ... Someone asked me what I thought about Benghazi. I said I loved him in the TV show, "The Fugitive". ... Scientists who opened 170-year old bottles of beer discovered in a shipwreck said the liquid smelled "Gross". Even more gross was the smell after downing two six packs of them.

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