Random Thoughts

Random Thoughts (731)


Steven SegalAction star Steven Segal has reportedly been selected by Vladimir Putin to help get Russia in shape. Segal is being asked to develop a countrywide exercise regimen and single-handedly lead the next invasion. ... The DNA-testing web site, 23andMe, regularly features surveys that its members can participate in about health. A recent one asked if I had ever been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome. I replied, "I don't know and I don't care." Actually, I suffer from Hamburger's syndrome and occasionally have an irresistible urge to be covered in onion, lettuce and tomato.



Johnny Rotten, Sex PistolsMy wife and I needed to pick up some food at Trader Joe's for an event. So she reminded me we needed to take a different exit than we usually do. "It's Exit 2B," she said. "You sure?" I replied. "Or not 2B?" So if the leader of the Sex Pistols visited Hamlet's home country, would we say there's someone Rotten in the state of Denmark? ... In order to boost its sagging entry in the gaming market, Microsoft is readying Dynamics GP for Xbox. The latest version ensures visibility into finances and an improved ability to stop zombies.



The original BarbieThe venerable doll, Barbie, has turned 55. To commemorate, Mattel has issued a special edition with varicose veins and support hose. In the new Barbie Playland, she's hired a private investor to track the philandering Ken, who has been seen at a motel with a much younger doll. Ken gets a surprise prostate exam form his outraged girlfriend.... You know you're getting old when you see the seats reserved for the old and infirm on trains and your picture is posted above them. ... Alzheimers is now the third greatest killer of Americans. I forget what the top two are.



Vladimir Putin There's a new Russian topping for pasta called Vladimir Putinesca sauce. It makes you power hungry and capable of producing only a thin, forced smile. ... It was easy to tell that Russian president Vladimir Putin was ecstatic when a 17-year old became the first Russian female to win a gold medal in Olympic figure skating. His smile broadened by a full quarter inch. ... I'm sure Putin is out to embarrass the West by the harassment of the most famous Russian rock band. His actions ensure that Western media continue to have to use the words Pussy Riot in headlines.



Bob Costas An eye infection has kept television commentator Bob Costas off the air for several days during the Olympic broadcast. But he looks like a sure bet to play the Eye of Sauron if there's a "Lord of the Rings" sequel. Disease is always a popular topic. Just finished reading one of those Internet news items "Ten signs of heart disease that you'll be convinced you have after reading this article." ... The Olympics at Sochi have been enchanting. During the opening ceremony I was watching the parade of nations and noting those traditional winter powerhouses: Bermuda, Cayman Islands, Dominica, British Virgin Islands, Malta, Hong Kong, Tonga, and Jamaica.



Ray NaginThe commencement of the trial of former New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin on charges that he took bribes and kickbacks reminds us that corruption is Louisiana's favorite indoor past-time. ... The recent outbreak of the nano-virus sickened 600 travelers on a Royal Caribbean cruise ship and made the term "poop deck" became too literal. Apparently, a second vessel has been hit with the outbreak of a highly contagious virus.



Justin BieberIn the latest episode of "Leave it to Bieber", Ward counsels the Biebe on how to beat a breathalyzer test. Noted that Justin adopted the Mel Gibson School of DUI approach to having his mug shot taken. And Justin is now in the running for this year's "Lindsay Lohan Life-time Achievement Award." .... Read a promising article that said Phillip Morris would product a medical marijuana cigarette. I was very disappointed that it turns out it was a satirical story. I had already put a call into my prescription plan to see if it was covered.



Darrin (Dick York), I was thinking of going back to school to work on my groundbreaking thesis “Bewitched: Contrasting the world view of the two Darrins.” It explores the deep philosophical differences of two different actors, Dick York and Dick Sargent, married to the same witch. …  Despite all the filters, I keep getting these offers in my email. One promises, “Keep your wife happy tonight.” I was thinking, “What, they’ll provide someone to do the dishes?” … News organizations are carrying news about a shortage of Velveeta shortage. The lack of a key ingredient for dip for nachos could potentially derail Super Bowl festivities across the country. By the way, Velveeta is officially a “Pasteurized Recipe Cheese Product". I learned that in the Rosetta Stone “Language of Cheese” Volume I.  It takes skill to navigate through a supermarket with terms like cheese, cheese food, processed cheese and food-like cheese and finally, slightly yellow saw dust with milk. … The nice thing about the spread of cell phone headsets is it helps those of us who talk to ourselves a lot to blend in better. … Glad to see the economy is improving. Last year, it was so bad members of the Publishers Clearing House Prize patrol asked if I could spot them some money. … New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he was embarrassed and humiliated to discover aides had lied to him about their role in creating a traffic mess in Fort Lee as political punishment for the city’s mayor.  Embarrassed and Humiliated? I thought that was our state’s motto.  …  Life is like a box of chocolates; if you leave it out in the hot sun too long, it melts into an unrecognizable mess.



Bill de Blasio, New York CityMary had a little lamb. Its fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went, mint jelly was sure to go. It followed her to school one day and steak knives were generously provided to all the children. ... The year started off on a realistic note - I saw Alex Trebek trying to sell final expenses insurance to the New Year's baby of 2014. "It goes by quicker than you think."



Rudolph and ClariceFormer Illinois Governor Rod Blogoyevich has filed what is viewed as a last-ditch appeal of his prison term for corruption. Even more galling to Blago than the 14-year sentence is that he has been forced to endure a number of bad-hair days. ... The news that the formerly powerful uncle of North Korea's president Kim Jong-un has been executed shook up some people. And you thought your family reunions were testy. Well, I bet his family won't be sending Christmas cards to the president. Apparently, the president felt insulted when his late uncle referred to him as "Lil' Kim". ... Was looking at outdoor Christmas displays at Home Depot. There's a two-to-three foot-tall figure of Yoda, fixed up with bulbs and a light saber, for sale.


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