I think I made a tactical error when a friend asked me, “Does this dress make me look fat?" "No, it’s not the dress.”  

I had to tell another friend the National Opioid Summit is not created from a pile of oxycodone pills. …Given the lockdown in, I am wondering what the Italian phrase is for "You can't get there from here." … So the coronavirus looks to be the best things that has happened to vices since people can't get out: booze, Internet porn, recreational drugs. I guess sex is out if you have to self-quarantine. In fact, the alcholic beverage industry is putting together a new ad campaign: “Alcohol. With You Yesterday. With You Today. With You Tomorrow… New Flash: New York governor Andrew Cuomo is considering calling out the National Guard to provide security for delivery of paper towels and toilet paper. The idea brought a smile to millions of New Yorkers whose faces have developed a cramped, uncomfortable look.Meanwhile, President Trump is considering drawing up the National Toilet Paper Reserve to ease the crisis. … This could be the first year that shopper fighting over toilet paper outnumbers the Black Friday fights over the hottest Christmas toy.  …  I decided to live dangerously a couple of weeks ago. I got a haircut. Now, I’m considering an even more dangerous move—cutting my own hair. ... My financial advisor is urging me to consider putting some of my money in the “Pandemic Panic Fund”, i.e., putting some money in my mattress. Meanwhile, if its gets worse, I can always burn some stock certificates for warmth. 

Last modified on Monday, 23 March 2020
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